KY, champagne and bananas. And it's NOT what you think!
(Los Angeles, CA)
I have noticed for the past few months that my dog's penis doesn't go back into it's shaft. I had some time to spare yesterday, so decided to look online to see what I could learn about this condition.
I read that if the penis doesn't retract, one should immediately take the dog to the vet. I panicked, called the vet to find out if this was true, and when told it was, ran to the vet in a frenzy.
The vet told me that surgery sometimes was indicated, but that I could try to manage it myself before going that route. He told me that because the penis looked very dry and was likely painful, that I needed to lubricate it with KY jelly and massage it back into it's shaft whenever it was out. Doing this would prevent it from getting scratched, more dry, etc.
Feeling like a terribly neglectful mother who had allowed this condition to persist for months, I was very eager to do whatever was necessary to help my poor, hurting baby. After all, haven't we all heard endless stories about the discomfort of genital dryness?
First thing this morning, I ran to the Ralphs one block from my office. This is a Ralphs I have frequented for years and where I know many of the checkout staff.
While running to the aisle where I thought the KY jelly might be, I saw they had champagne on sale. It was less than $8. Then I remembered that I was out of bananas. I try to eat a banana a day, so quickly picked up 3.
I was then done, and realized that checking out would be quite embarrassing, given the combination of my items. I decided to go to the self-checkout section.
When trying to scan my champagne, it said "Attendant has been notified to assist you". Oh no! This was exactly what I was trying to avoid. I tried to hide the KY while she was attempting to fix the machine. The store person was not able to help me, and told me I had to go into a checkout line.
OMG!! At this point, I was in a hurry, needed to get my baby some KY jelly, and felt I had no choice but to go to a checkout line. I have never been so humiliated in my life!
I am almost 50. The guy checking me out stared at me. The shock on his face was impossible to hide. I wanted to explain that I had no intention of using the KY jelly, bananas and champagne to get myself through new year's eve, that the KY was strictly for my dog, that I ate bananas to be healthy, and that the champagne was on sale and that I probably wouldn't be drinking it until I entertained.
I thought about explaining it to him, but then quickly realized that I was in a terrible bind: either I was a desperately lonely, horny aging woman who had no shame or personal dignity, or I was a very sick aging woman who was going to drink while masturbating myself with bananas, and my dog with KY jelly.
I was mortified. I tried to avoid eye contact, but just knew that as soon as I left the store, he'd waste no time in finding those staff that I usually chat with on my frequent visits to the store.
I have had some embarrassing moments in my life, but I think this tops them all. I wish I could say that I made up any part of this story, but I swear, it's all true.